Douche Bags for June 2005

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For June 2005

Now exactly what is a Celebrity Douche bag you ask? Well basically it’s another word for an idiot in my sort of Heavy Metal, Surfer, Toilet humor lingo. It could be anyone in the entertainment world from an Actor or Actress, Musician, Athlete, or even a common everyday dude like yourself who happens to do something so stupid that it gets them national exposure, like that idiot Scott Peterson. You don’t even have to have talent to be a Douche Bag of the Month you could just be a famous idiot. For instance, this is how Jeff Foxworthly might say it best if he was talking about Douche Bags instead of Rednecks…If you dye your hair jet black, lip-sync crappy music, and live off your sisters success for a living….you might be a Douche Bag. Sorry Ashlee Simpson but you are.

10. Corey Clark – This loser makes the list for the second straight month for still ripping up that sweet thing, Paula Abdul, and doing anything possible to stay in the spotlight from starting food fights to making up total B.S.

9. Gary Sheffield of the New York Yankees – Poor Gary, he is upset of trade rumors of him going from the Yankees to the crosstown New York Mets. Gary stated that if he is traded he will not play to the best of his abilities for the team that trades for him which he had done in the past with former teams, Milwakee, Florida, and the LA Dodgers. Gary makes over 11 million dollars a year and is the personification of the pampered, crybaby ballplayers that turn off most fans and the leagues need to get rid of this kind of players. Gary also got suspended for throwing his helmet after an umpire called him out on a close play. Yankees suck Gary and so do you.

8. Jesse Jackson – What does double J really do? I don’t think nobody knows, but he sure does make his rounds when there is some celebrity news happening. After the Michael Jackson verdict came down, Double J was calling up the networks giving us his opinion that justice has prevailed in Jackson being found not guilty on all 10 counts he was charged with. Jesse then spent the night at the Neverland Chicken Ranch having a pajama party with Jacko, Tito and McCauley Caulkin.

7. Cameron Diaz – Cameron is so lost in love with Justin Timberlake that she messes around with other guys and when caught on camera decides to sue the tabloids that print the pictures. Diaz also has what is the worst show MTV ever aired, and you thought the Andy Dick show was bad its like watching CSI compared to Cameron’s show. But Cameron is without a doubt the hottest douche bag we ever had.

6. Robert Blake – Blake was always a Douche Bag, even in his days of being in the Our Gang comedy shorts where it has been reported that he bitch slapped Buckwheat and superglued Froggy’s ass cheeks together while he was taking a nap. Blake continues to bitch and whine about the injustice done to him with the trial that he killed his wife and can’t get a job. Dude, when is the last time you did have a job?

5. Joe Simpson – The father of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson is such a douche that he is all upset that his daughters were asked to leave a party thrown by Lindsay Lohan and has waged a personal war of words on Lohan. C’mon dude get a grip, your daughters are sluts and no one wants them skanking up their parties. Though Jessica does have one great set of hooters.

4. Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers - Even though he shares the name of country music icon ,“The Gambler”, Kenny Rogers, this pitcher of the Texas Rangers showed why he is a Douche Bag by first punching a water cooler breaking a finger on his non pitching hand and missing a start for the pennant contenders, but then a few days later he decides to attack a couple of camerman during pre game workouts sending one of the dudes to the hospital. Why would you ask Kenny would do such a thing? Well it seems that Mr, Rogers is upset that the Rangers will not extend his contract and is upset of reports being sent to the press that he is a little hard to deal with. So lets beat up the camera dudes I guess. My prediction: This guy will one day walk into a Kenny Rogers chicken joint and go postal.

3. Russell Crowe – Rusell who you have to admire for banging Meg Ryan and then dumping her after she broke up her marriage to Dennis Quaid to be with him. Russell who has a reputation of being not a real nice guy, decided to throw a phone at a hotel employees face causing the innocent worker a nice trip to the hospital. Why did Russell throw the phone you ask? It seems George Clooney keeps prank calling Russell telling him that his band, Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts, sucks ass.

2. Stanford University Professor Lawrence Wein and Grad Student Yifan Liu – Created what the federal government described as a “road map for terrorists” by posting a research paper on how to contaminate the nations milk supply. The paper gives "very detailed information on vulnerability nodes" in the milk supply chain and "includes very precise information on the dosage of botulinum toxin needed to contaminate the milk supply to kill or injure large numbers of people. Did you ever notice that the more intelligent some people are they have no common sense? This is what is called a couple of intellectual Douche Bags.

1. Tom Cruise What hasn’t Tom done this past month to not be recognized as the #1 Douche Bag for the month of June? Acting like a total whackjob on the Oprah show over his love for Katie Holmes, which some say he has a contract that she signed to be his “girlfriend” as part of the cover up that Tom is really gay. Rumors that he was caught in bed with singer Rob Thomas, by Thomas’ wife. Tom also spreading his word of Scientology with his explosive interview with Matt Lauer. But Tom crossed the line by budding his nose into Brooke Shields personal life. Tom is just jealous that Brooke is a foot taller than the 5 foot actor.

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10.		Corey Clark – This loser makes the list for the second straight month for still ripping up that sweet thing, Paula Abdul, and doing anything possible to stay in the spotlight from starting food fights to making up total B.S.
9.		Gary Sheffield of the New York Yankees – Poor Gary, he is upset of trade rumors of him going from the Yankees to the crosstown New York Mets. Gary stated that if he is traded he will not play to the best of his abilities for the team that trades for him which he had done in the past with former teams, Milwakee, Florida, and the LA Dodgers. Gary makes over 11 million dollars a year and is the personification of the pampered, crybaby ballplayers that turn off most fans and the leagues need to get rid of this kind of players. Gary also got suspended for throwing his helmet after an umpire called him out on a close play. Yankees suck Gary and so do you.
8.		Jesse Jackson – What does double J really do? I don’t think nobody knows, but he sure does make his rounds when there is some celebrity news happening. After the Michael Jackson verdict came down, Double J was calling up the networks giving us his opinion that justice has prevailed in Jackson being found not guilty on all 10 counts he was charged with. Jesse then spent the night at the Neverland Chicken Ranch having a pajama party with Jacko, Tito and McCauley Caulkin.
7.		Cameron Diaz – Cameron is so lost in love with Justin Timberlake that she messes around with other guys and when caught on camera decides to sue the tabloids that print the pictures. Diaz also has what is the worst show MTV ever aired, and you thought the Andy Dick show was bad its like watching CSI compared to Cameron’s show. But Cameron is without a doubt the hottest douche bag we ever had.
6.		Robert Blake – Blake was always a Douche Bag, even in his days of being in the Our Gang comedy shorts where it has been reported that he bitch slapped Buckwheat and superglued Froggy’s ass cheeks together while he was taking a nap. Blake continues to bitch and whine about the injustice done to him with the trial that he killed his wife and can’t get a job. Dude, when is the last time you did have a job?
5.		Joe Simpson – The father of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson is such a douche that he is all upset that his daughters were asked to leave a party thrown by Lindsay Lohan and has waged a personal war of words on Lohan. C’mon dude get a grip, your daughters are sluts and no one wants them skanking up their parties. Though Jessica does have one great set of hooters.
4.		Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers - Even though he shares the name of country music icon ,“The Gambler”, Kenny Rogers, this pitcher of the Texas Rangers showed why he is a Douche Bag by first punching a water cooler breaking a finger on his non pitching hand and missing a start for the pennant contenders, but then a few days later he decides to attack a couple of camerman during pre game workouts sending one of the dudes to the hospital. Why would you ask Kenny would do such a thing? Well it seems that Mr, Rogers is upset that the Rangers will not extend his contract and is upset of reports being sent to the press that he is a little hard to deal with. So lets beat up the camera dudes I guess. My prediction: This guy will one day walk into a Kenny Rogers chicken joint and go postal.
3.		Russell Crowe – Rusell who you have to admire for banging Meg Ryan and then dumping her after she broke up her marriage to Dennis Quaid to be with him. Russell who has a reputation of being not a real nice guy, decided to throw a phone at a hotel employees face causing the innocent worker a nice trip to the hospital. Why did Russell throw the phone you ask? It seems George Clooney keeps prank calling Russell telling him that his band, Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts, sucks ass.
2.		Stanford University Professor Lawrence Wein and Grad Student Yifan Liu – Created what the federal government described as a “road map for terrorists” by posting a research paper on how to contaminate the nations milk supply. The paper gives "very detailed information on vulnerability nodes" in the milk supply chain and "includes very precise information on the dosage of botulinum toxin needed to contaminate the milk supply to kill or injure large numbers of people. Did you ever notice that the more intelligent some people are they have no common sense? This is what is called a couple of intellectual Douche Bags.
1.		Tom Cruise What hasn’t Tom done this past month to not be recognized as the #1 Douche Bag for the month of June? Acting like a total whackjob on the Oprah show over his love for Katie Holmes, which some say he has a contract that she signed to be his “girlfriend” as part of the cover up that Tom is really gay. Rumors that he was caught in bed with singer Rob Thomas, by Thomas’ wife. Tom also spreading his word of Scientology with his explosive interview with Matt Lauer. But Tom crossed the line by budding his nose into Brooke Shields personal life. Tom is just jealous that Brooke is a foot taller than the 5 foot actor.