8:00 A.M. – Barry wakes up and 3 assistants help lift his 80 pound head out of bed.

8:15 A.M. – Grabs his copy of “Performance Enhancing Drugs Illustrated” and takes his morning dump.

8:30 A.M. – Calls assistant in to unclog the toilet.

9:00 A.M. – Eats breakfast consisting of 2 eggs over easy, 4 blue pills and 2 red pills.

9:45 A.M. – Crank Calls ex-teammate Jeff Kent and asks him if he has Prince Albert in a can.

10:00 A.M. – Showers and then a screams when he notices his ball bag is the size of a dried raisin.

10:30 A.M. – Rehabs knee then after 15 minutes says “the hell with it I get my 16 million whether I play or not”.

11:00 A.M. - Relaxes and watches “Price is Right” 

12:30 A.M. – Takes Nap with his Bobby Bonilla bed time buddy pillow.

2:00 P.M. – Write a check to Albert Pujols to say nice things about him in the press.

2:10 P.M. – Has assistant apply sun screen to his giant head.

2:30 P.M. – Heads to the ballpark.

3:00 P.M. – Arrives at ballpark, has security clear all fans out of player entrance, gives a parking attendant $2.00 to wash his car.

3:20 P.M. – Enters clubhouse, sits in his recliner, takes shoes off and makes rookie pitcher Jeremy Accardo pick out his toe jams.

3:45 P.M. – Calls sport talk shows in a disguised voice telling everyone that Barry Bonds is the best player in the history of baseball.

4:30 P.M. – Takes batting practice, whines about his knee.

5:15 P.M. – Secretly meets Jose Canseco in a bathroom stall.  Asks Jose how he can get on the Surreal Life and how he’d love to give it to Janice Dickinson.

5:45 P.M. – Pre-game meal where Barry has to eat first before the rest of the team and he downs all the potato salad and rigatoni. 

6:30 P.M. – Pre-game stretching, throws fungo bat at the Giants bat boy because he made eye contact with him.

7:05 P.M. - Game time:  Bonds starts in left field versus Padres, goes 0 for 2 with a walk and pulls himself out of the game in the 7^th inning so he can go into clubhouse and watch Sanford and Son on TV Land.

10:30 P.M. – Asks reporters to leave him alone because the episode with Grady watching Fred Sanford’s house is on.

11:00 P.M. – Leaves ballpark and heads home.

11:20 P.M. – Watches video of the 1992 NL Championship game versus Braves over and over and laughing hysterically after not being able to throw out Sid Bream at the plate.  (Note: Barry is wearing an F U Pirates t-shirt).

11:35 P.M. – Crank calls former Pirate teammate, Andy Van Slyke, and asks him if he can speak to Mike Hunt.

11:45 P.M. – Takes some “prescribed” medication and puts on his Superman pajama’s and goes to beddy-byes.