Hey Rockers, good old C.C. is back from his 12 month tour with my band Titties and Beer and man it was nice to be on the road and also nice to be finally out from under the thumb of my evil tour manager who I will respectfully call "Munch". Munch is a female who is not particularly fond of men, if you know what I mean. Actually I have been with Munch for almost a year now and will be free of her ruthless evil in the next few weeks. As for the tour it was great got to see many cities across this great country and a lot of great sites around the good old USA. I have one scary story to tell other than waking up in the middle of the night and walking in on Munch going at it with her 175 lb. "friend" like two pigs chowing down on a watermelon. Anyway good old C.C. was surfing off the eastern coast and dude caught in some nasty riptides and when I noticed I was having trouble getting back into the shore all C.C. could think of was "Wait until the Old Lady finds my porn collection". Well needless to say I made it back and here I am ready to offend the 50 Cent and bubblegum pop fans. Oh by the way the boys rocked and I can definitely say that Rockers still RULE the F'n world.

Well a lot has happened since my last edition of the Rock Report and of course some things stayed the same. It kind of has been a difficult time over the last year as I have lost some good friends (R.I.P. EKI) and family. But I think I am at a good place now and it's time to get back in business. Here are a few things that have happened since my last episode:

Britney Spears got married to a guy with no job and like 6 kids. She also got married "Redneck Style" and put on about 50 pounds and announced that she is having a baby. Rapper, 50 Cent still can’t spell his name but sells quite a few records for some unknown reason. Ex-Warrant frontman, Jani Lane, is appearing on VH-1’s Celebrity Fit Club, and though he has trimmed down he is still a mess . Some no-name American Idol has-been claims to have went “Straight Up” on Paula Abdul but it turned out to be a bunch of bull. Lil’ Kim is going to prison. Tommy Lee, Nikki Sixx, Mick Mars and Vince Neil reunite the Crue and are selling out everywhere, and somehow Michael Jackson is still free walking around in his pajama's looking for a few good kids only now in another country. The tragic murder of Pantera/Damageplan guitarist Daryl “Dimebag” Abbott which still gives me a disturbing feeling in my stomach when I think about it.

Our good buddy Fred Durst leaked out a sex video which is scarier then watching "The Exorcist" for the first time when you are alone in the middle of the night. Pink Floyd reunited with bassist, Roger Waters, and put on a heck of a performance at Live8. Will Smith's wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith and her band land a spot on Ozzfest. Pink gets engaged to Motocross champ, Carey Hart, bringing up speculation that maybe she doesn't have a penis after all. Green Day took over the world with their album "American Idiot" who I think was written about Terrell Owens of the Philadelphia Eagles. Courtney Love has been arrested about a half dozen times and those legs of hers are like a 7 Eleven because they are never closed. Man is that like the grossest thing ever?

The most annoying thing that happened during my time off was the 3 bubblegum pop princesses Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, and Hilary Duff…If I could pick 3 celebrity's that would just drop off the face of the earth and never be heard from again it would be these three. Oh my god are they freaking annoying!!! Is this what we have sunk to when this trio of worthless chicks fill the gossip news and TV shows. Lindsay slept with practically everyone, Ashlee can't sing at all and is completely phony and where in the hell did Hilary Duff come from and why is she everywhere? Then I have to hear that they are fighting over Wilmer Valderrama who plays FEZ on That 70’s Show. It’s freakin’ FEZ for the love of Judas Priest!!! Anyway I had to chuckle when reading the interview Ashlee Simpson does for her upcoming album of worthless chicken droppings, as she as quoted as talking about the song “Beautifully Broken” in which she was busted lip-syncing on Saturday Night Live. “I learned a lot from that. There was a moment where I felt real broken and didn’t know what to do with myself, and I wrote a song about picking yourself back up and it’s Okay because we all fall on our face”. So that is what happened to that face that and maybe a few other things. I actually wonder what she has learned, hey run off the stage and leave my band standing there holding their dicks and blame it on some gas or holy crap I am this generation's Milli Vanilli,

Fez

Speaking of Milli Vanilli, if they came out in the last few years they would be bigger than they were in the late eighties/early nineties. Pop Music is so talent less and ridiculous that no one would even care if they were lip syncing or putting 2 "pretty people" faces on someone else's talent. I mean look at Hip-Hop most of it is sampled music with no originality. Eminem sampled "Toy Soldiers" from Martika for gawd's sake. Even the Metal scene is terrible basically all you need is 4 or 5 tattooed dudes that can bang on their instruments and growl into a microphone.

The other thing about the Simpson’s is that creeping dad of theirs. There is something about that dude that I think we will be seeing him on Court TV down the road. This guy gives me the willies when he is talking about how beautiful and how hot his daughters are.

Theory of a Deadman

One band that I did dig was Theory of a Deadman who hail from Canada. Check out their latest album "Gasoline" it is pretty awesome.

Madonna fell off a horse and broke several bones while horse back riding out on her ranch in England. The horse is said to be doing fine and had just mild “bone” sprain. The Rock Report has been lucky enough to get an interview with the horse, who in his own right is a celebrity himself, Mr Horse from the Ren and Stimpy Show.

	Mr. Horse, it is a pleasure and an honor to meet and talk with you today.
	Why thank you C.C. I just want to let you know that myself, Muddy Mudskipper, and Powdered Toastman are big fans.
	That is so COOL!!! Mr. Horse can you tell me how you met the Material Girl, Madonna.
	Well after the unsuccessful attempt to resurrect the Ren & Stimpy show a few years back I was out of work back in late 2004, I got a call from Madonna’s manager and asked if I would be interested in working with her at her ranch and helping out with the kids and stuff like that. Being out of work is not fun so I took the job.
	What did you do at Madonna’s ranch?
	Well you know, horsey back rides for the kids, hayrides, I would watch Mister Ed and translate for the little brats (Note: the show is in English but the kids thought they were talking in Horse language), I would even step in and be one of Madonna’s gay male dancers during rehearsal for her last tour.
	I’m surprised someone with your talents would take sort of a blue collar type job as kind of a ranch hand. Did you enjoy the work?
	No Sir, I don’t like it. Don’t get me wrong C.C. I enjoyed the pay, but being ridiculed and degraded in front of the other horses and animals was not enjoyable.
	Why , What happened?
	It’s hard to talk about but at first it was kind of neat but Madonna just is such a nympho and her marrying an English guy and that. I mean the costumes I would have to wear and those damn cone shaped titties she would make me wear. No Sir I don’t like it.
	So what happened on the night of Madonna’s injury?
	Well it was a long day of riding those brat kids of hers around and I just wanted to get back to the stable and get a good nights rest. Well here comes Miss Kabala with her cone titties, whip, and a choker ball. So were ya know messing around and I am tired and she cracking that whip and I’m gagging then one of those cone titties pokes me in the nads and BANG!!! I just jump and Madonna goes flying in the air and falls smack down on her back. Needless to say after word spread about what happened I was let go by her husband Guy Ritchie.
	Amazing, so tell me what was the Material Girl like, well you know?
	Well for a sixty year old lady or however old she is, it was first class C.C. I mean you have to remember she climbed bigger horses than me you remember she dated Dennis Rodman.
	Yeah, The Worm!!!
	She has a nice rack and very firm body also very bendy.
	So what is in store for you Mr. Horse?
	Well I got an offer to do the VH-1 Show, “The Surreal Life” I believe the cast will include, Velma from Scooby-Doo, Captain Caveman, and Judy Jetson so we’ll see. I am also currently working on a project to write my memoirs from the Ren & Stimpy Show and my adventures in Hollywood.
	Well good luck and I appreciate the interview and the scoop on Madonna’s fall. Maybe you better get a shot of penicillin cause you know she has slept with Sandra Bernhard and half of the NBA in the eighties.
	Hmmmm, No Sir I don't like it.

Eminem has cancelled his European Anger Management tour due to exhaustion. 50 Cent should continue with the tour as he has only a sore wrist and a mild case of lockjaw. Two days after Eminem abruptly canceled the tour, his spokesperson revealed that the rapper has been hospitalized for a sleep-medication dependency. I have to feel for Eminem because if I had to tour with 50 Cent and those G-Unit thugs, I'd be sleeping with one eye open also.

ROCK NOTES:

MTV.com is reporting that Nine Inch Nails is among the artists that have been confirmed for MTV, VH1 and CMT's Hurricane Katrina relief special. Airing September 10 from 8 to 11 p.m. ET/PT, "ReAct Now: Music & Relief" will feature a mix of live and taped performances and messages from more than 30 artists. Other participating artists include: Maroon 5, Audioslave, Kid Rock, Sheryl Crow, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Motley Crue, Goo Goo Dolls, Staind, Green Day, Alicia Keys, Ludacris, Rob Thomas and John Mellencamp.

ReAct Now: Music and Relief will be broadcast commercial-free from New York, Los Angeles, Nashville and Atlanta and will air simultaneously on MTV, VH1, CMT, MTV2, VH1 Classic and mtvU, as well as on the broadband online channels MTV Overdrive and VSpot. The special will raise funds for the American Red Cross, the Salvation Army, America's Second Harvest and similar organizations. Additional details will be announced in the coming days.

On Tuesday, September 6, Velvet Revolver will perform a benefit concert for victims of 2005 hurricanes, including Katrina, at the Hard Rock Live concert venue in Orlando. Velvet Revolver was originally scheduled to play the opening concert at Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Biloxi on September 9. 100 percent of ticket and bar sales from the show, presented by Hard Rock Live, Hard Rock Hotel Orlando and Real Rock 101.1, will be donated to help the people of Biloxi and New Orleans through the American Red Cross.

Voivod guitarist Denis "Piggy" D'Amour, who died Friday August 26, 2005 in a Montreal hospital from complications of advanced colon cancer. The services were held Thursday September 1st in Jonquière, Quebec and were capped off by a symbolic guitar-burning, with the remnants of the guitar being placed in the Sable river. As previously reported, surviving Voivod members, singer Denis "Snake" Belanger, bassist Jason Newsted and drummer Michel "Away" Langevin will return to the recording studio in late September to resume work on their 14th album, tentatively due in early 2006 via The End Records.

Journey keyboardist Jonathan Cain is recovering after having an emergency appendectomy. Cain had major stomach cramps and went to a local hospital after the band played the Tommy Hilfiger At Jones Beach Theatre in Wantagh, New York, on August 28th. Journey had to cancel tonight's concert at the in Pittsburgh on August 31st. Journey will release a new album called Generations on October 4th.

Motley Crue will be opening up for the Rolling Stones for 2 shows. October 30th in Seattle Washington and November 1st in Portland Oregon. The Crue also have plans to release a new studio album in May of 2006.

Thanks to Blabbermouth, VH-1, and Classic Rock Revisited for news updates.

The evil Queen of Rock N Roll, Sharon Osbourne, has once again stooped to a new level of low with her childish and unnecessary behavior. This time it happened at the Ozzfest show in San Bernardino, CA show and her target was none other than the legendary band, Iron Maiden, whom was the headlining band with Black Sabbath during the 2005 Ozzfest.

This was Maiden’s last show with Ozzfest before they headed back to England to do some festivals in their home country. Well the story is that Maiden’s lead singer, Bruce Dickinson, had not been the easiest person to deal with during the tour with remarks about Ozzy being a “Reality” TV Star and the price of tickets among other things. Some of the things Sharon has said that Dickinson said on stage nightly were. “When we come back to America, we’ll be back with a proper sound system” or “We won’t be playing the same old songs every night (Sabbath rip),” “We don’t need a teleprompter (like Ozzy)” and “We don’t need a reality show to be legit (again, like Ozzy).”

Which in my opinion is Dickinson shouldn’t be biting the hand that feeds him as Maiden were reported to have been taking $185,000.00 per show. Bruce was wrong in the fact that this is Ozzfest and Ozzy is a legend is his own right and should not be bashing him.

But Sharon’s retaliation of having the Black Sabbath crew pelt Maiden with eggs and garbage, cutting the bands power something like 5 times, having someone chanting “Ozzy, Ozzy” from the soundstage over Maiden’s performance and screwing with the bands mascot Eddie is completely out of line. We all know of Sharon’s childish tactics from dumping water on people to throwing a ham at her neighbors on TV, but this was completely uncalled for and a disgrace to Ozzfest. I’m not just saying this because this was Iron Maiden it shouldn’t happen to any band whether it is Maiden or a band opening on the second stage. This petty bullshit should have been handled privately not publicly during a performance.

Much too Maiden’s credit the band were said to been playing great that night and as stuff were being thrown at them they seemed more determined to play better. Dickinson even waving the British flag told the crowd “these colors don’t f*ckin’ run”. I give Maiden credit because they could have just walked off the stage and said “F” it. Instead they played their full set in which were not allowed to do an encore as Sharon waddled her ass of gold to the stage and thanked Maiden and their crew but called Dickinson a “prick”. Thousands of fans apparently left in disgust at what they had just witnessed and did not stay to see Black Sabbath.

Sharon needs to start using her stubborn little head a bit better because imagine how this could of ended. There were 30-40 thousand fans at the show what if Maiden did walk off and the fans rioted, what if the fans started following the lead of her henchman and started throwing things and tearing down booths or whatever. Some people like Sharon need to realize that circumstances of their actions before starting childish bullshit. The Rock/Metal fans do not want any black eyes, it should be a day of fun letting out aggression or whatever, This ain’t Hip-Hop Sharon, use your F*ckin’ head.

Iron Maiden, No respect from the Wicked Witch, Sharon Osbourne