Well Boys and Girls it's been a while, first thing to reports is the luckiest num-nut in the world has to be Kevin Federline who knocked up Britney Spears and Shar Jackson 4 times between them over the last couple of years. This dude must have sperm with super sperm powers or something. Could you imagine being a total worthless piece of trash and ending up like this guy? I mean he has the IQ of a dry sponge and yet knocked up one of the hottest pop stars in the world at the time, has lots of spending money for his toys and he can even pretend he is from the ‘hood and put out an embarrassing rap CD. Oh you are gansta’ K-Fed. I have to admit that when K-Fed was walking around sporting those corn rows I could not stop laughing at what a lucky loser he was.

Then there is Britney…What happened to ya darlin’? I never seen a career plunge as fast as Michael Jackson running to the mall because he heard kids pants were half off in my life. I think it great that you are makin’ babies and all but dude you can’t be just throwing them in the car on your lap without a seatbelt and dropping them on thier head. Sweetie I know you are from the south but y’all can’t be that stupid, can ya?

Britney and Federline, what a couple of whack jobs.

More Guns ‘N Roses rumors are floating around again. Including the “Use Your Illusion” lineup including current Velvet Revolver members; Slash, Duff McKagan, and Matt Sorum touring with the band this summer with The Cult, who also are reuniting. There are even some dates being announced in clubs to get Axl back in the public eye and try to regain some fans confidence in him. Personally I do not believe that Slash or anyone from the previous versions of G ‘N R will ever be included in any version or the band. Axl was recently voted as one of the ugliest celebrities based on his 2003 botox and corn row look from the 2003 MTV video awards. I quite honestly agree even though he hasn't messed himself up enough to be as nasty as David Crosby.

Speaking of David Crosby, you remember he was the sperm donor for Melissa Ethridge’s baby a few years back. Well it seems that Melissa will become yet a mother again with the announcement that her “partner” Tammy is pregnant again, this time with twins. Even though Crosby was the donor of Melissa and Tammy’s previous kids the pair has apparently tapped Flavor Flav of Public Enemy to be the “donor” of the new babies to add a little bit of color to the family.

Lots of cool bands to tour this summer including; Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, The Cult, Def Leppard/Journey, Poison/Cinderella, Lynyrd Skynyrd/3 Doors Down, H.I.M, Ozzfest, and possibly Guns ‘N Roses. Below is a pic of Vince Neil of Motley Crue attending a Pearl Jam mini concert and announcement of their tour earlier this week.

Vince falls asleep once again during the release party of the new Pearl Jam CD..

This just in Kevin Federline has decided to release a county blue grass album. He was spotted wearing overalls, a straw hat, and had a fiddle sticking out of his ass.

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Alice & Chains will reunite and have tapped William DuVall to sing lead vocals for the group on the upcoming tour, Duvall steps in for Layne Staley to died of an overdose

Best name I have heard for a rapper/DJ…Stretch Armstrong. I love it!!!

Cinderella, on tour this summer with Poison are celebrating 20 years since the release of their smash album "Night Songs".

Who keeps taking shots at Poison frontman, Bret Michaels? For the second time over the last few months someone had fired gunshots at Bret. There are also reports that someone poisoned (no pun intended) Bret’s dog. We at the Rock Report have sent our own private investigator, Super Sleuth Rock, out to see who would want to hurt or mame Bret Michaels. We hope to have an update in the next Rock Report.

Wilmer Valderrama, who plays FEZ on “That 70’s Show”, recently appeared on the Howard Stern show and proclaimed to having a very large pee pee, and that he has banged Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Mandy Moore, and hinted that Ashlee Simpson and Lindsay Lohan may be on that list as well. I then realized that if we could throw in Hilary Duff and Paris Hilton in that group, made FEZ’s penis into some sort of lethal weapon we could destroy all the worthless, no-talent, skanky pop singers/celebrities that we have to endure hearing about over and over again.

How punk could your band be if one of the members is dating Hilary Duff? Could you see Joey Ramone dating Marie Osmond? Good Charlotte is about as punk as REO Speedwagon.

Congratulations to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes on the birth of their Scientology baby girl.

Well glad to see that American TV is completely crap now that HBO is having a show about Rosie O’Donnell’s “Big Gay Family Cruise” Just what the world needs an obnoxious lesbian on a boat. Some of the events scheduled for the trip include: “Find the wet spot on the big fat lesbian”, “Tuna fishing with the Indigo Girls”, and the “Strap-On Ring Toss”. Should be thrilling TV.

Whitney Houston is back in rehab for her addictions. Husband and dealer, Bobby Brown, didn’t even know Whitney was gone until 2 days after Whitney checked into rehab. (They have a real close relationship). Below is a Statement released by Bobby on behalf of Whitney:

This is Bobby Brown, formerly of New Edition and the husband of Whitney Houston. Whitney again is battling her personal demons and went to rest at a local facility. I on the other half have the place to myself and will be throwing a party that will last a minimum 4 – 6 weeks. All crack whores are invited and free to diddle my one testicle. Now excuse me while I go brush my tooth.

This just in Kevin Federline will be releasing rap metal album as he was seen sporting a black oversized t-shirt, baggy khaki shorts with pee stains, red New York Yankee ballcap on backwards and oh wait that is that other no-talent loser Fred Durst .

Peace!

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